These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A:Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is  
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
 

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!

Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96,  live in a house together.  One  night the 96-year-old draws a bath.
She puts her foot in and  pauses.  She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?'

The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs, pauses, and asks herself 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you, as soon as I see who's at the door.'



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other,
'Windy, isn't it?'

'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'

The third man chimed in, 'So am I.... Let's have a beer.'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

Joan was running up and down the halls of the nursing home.  As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say  'Supersex.'
She walked up to Richard in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, 'Supersex' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
'Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is'.

Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!'

'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

Two elderly women were out driving - both could barely see over the dashboard.  As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.  The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself  'I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red.
Again, they went right through.The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,

'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'

Mildred turned to her and said,

'Oh, crap, am I driving?'

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Jokes Selection

 Great Dog!!!

Why Dinasoars became extinct  

2010 DARWIN AWARDS

You've been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado here are the 2010  Darwin awards.

8th Place..... In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

7th Place.... A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally zoned when he ran", accidentally, jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.

6th Place ...While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could  not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.

5th Place... Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was robbing. Death was caused when the long flash light he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free, rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

4th Place.... Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

3rd Place.... After walking around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into Florida's H&J Leather &Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire and several  customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators  located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION... Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 a.m. So they lit a stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed!
RUNNER UP... Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local  bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 a.m. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other (!) to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.  Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE WINNER IS... Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves.... 'shit happens'.